Romantic Regrets - Snily
by X Enigmatic X
Summary: Ever wondered if Lily and Severus indeed had any romantic encounters? Ever wondered or debated on how deeply either of them loved each other? Then read this!


(OK SO HERE IS TIT BIT VERSION OF AN EVENT THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN LILY AND SEVERUS SOME TIME BEFORE SHE GOT MARRIED TO JAMES POTTER)

"You are pregnant, Miss Evans," said the nurse, "a month along I'd say."

Lily's eyes widened with shock and her hand immediately fluttered up to her mouth.

"WHAT?" she cried, tears forming in her green eyes.

"Pregnant, Miss Evans. The pregnancy is supposedly a month along. Let's see. It's June now. I'd say by late January of next year you will be fully ready to..."

"Oh my god," was all she could manage to say as she stood there, shaking with fear and shock.

"Miss Evans is there someone I should call to come get you?" the nurse asked, peering over her glasses at Lily.

She couldn't call her mother, neither her father nor Petunia. She could only talk to one person right now and the thought of even contacting him was tugging at her heart. What would he say if he knew? What would happen to her and her if her parents found out? If James found out? She sank into a waiting chair and covered her eyes with her hands and sobbed.

"Miss Evans. You are nineteen years old. I believe we should call someone to come get you. What about your parents?"

"No," she said quietly, trying to control herself and she sat up, wiped her face with her hands and stood up.

"I don't need to call anyone. I'll be alright."

And with that, she walked out of the reception area, down the white walled corridors and through the double doors of the Public Hospital. Her hands were sweaty and shaking as she descended the stone steps and stopped to allow it all to sink in. Her knees felt weak and shaky as well. She needed to talk to him right now.

After taking the train to get to Spinner's End, she pulled her hood over her head and walked quickly along the narrow street, knowing where she was going, knowing what house she was looking for. He should be home right now. He had to be.

She acknowledged the old house and went up the walkway, breathing in and out slowly trying to not crack up and start crying again. After knocking twice, he answered the door and was so shocked to see her, he gasped.

"Lily, what..."

"Severus," she quickly interrupted him, "we NEED to talk."

He quickly moved aside for her to pass and closed the door quietly, standing by it for a few seconds as she entered the house. She looked around a bit, trying to detect any changes to the interior since she last was there then selected a brown sofa and sat down. All the while Snape was looking at her with confusion in his eyes because the last time he saw Lily, he could clearly remember her telling him that they must not see each other again.

"Lily. What brings you here to Spinner's End? You look flustered. Shall I get you something to drink?"

"No Severus."

"Then what..." he began but Lily interrupted him.

"I'm pregnant."

Snape couldn't make out quite clearly what she had said at first. Maybe he did hear her correctly but didn't want to believe it.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant Severus."

He waited a beat more then when Lily didn't say anything else, he went up to her, and sat beside her on the sofa. At a time like this, he decided to not touch her nor show any sort of affection like hugging or holding her hand because he was afraid of the reaction he would get.

"For James, I presume?" he pressed on.

She sighed audibly then looked at him.

"Sev, I'm a month gone already so..."

Both of them knew what happened a month ago.

"_My parents aren't at home and Petunia is off to that boarding school of hers, so we are alone, well," she said smiling, "come in."_

_And he had gone in, and they ended up being in her room and a lock of red hair fell into her eyes. He brushed it aside with his fingers and Lily held unto his hand, her fingers softly entwined with his. Her eyes transfixed on his eyes. Her eyes wide with innocence and yet, there was something in those eyes that made Snape think of warm fresh grass. Grass that they lay on at the park, grass that she would pull out from the ground and throw on him and laugh. Grass that Lily and himself once tried to chew when they were younger and he could clearly remember him holding up two and feeding her it. It was childish to him now but it meant a lot back then to actually feed Lily._

_Her eyes reminded him of the green drink that she would make for him and bring it over to his house on Sundays. His mother Eileen loved Lily. _

_And then her lips were on his and they were barely kissing, then deeply kissing. They started to grab at each other and he was on her bed, she on top of him and..._

_The rest obviously had seemed to be history after she had told him the next day that she couldn't be with him because of James and James would hate her and James would this and that. Snape remembered his anger burning up as he listened to her lament about James and all the while he was thinking in his mind, 'but Lily, are you trying to say what happened between us was nothing to you?' _

_He didn't say such a thing and he didn't mention James. All he said was 'okay Lily, go back. It never happened because you didn't want it to happen obviously. I'll never forget it though. I'll never ever regret what we shared. I'll never ever stop loving you no matter what happens between you and James.'_

_Lily's reply?_

"_Severus I don't want to see you again."_

_And he walked away from her, feeling empty. His eyes were dry and at first no tears came but then as he reached back to his house, he started to cry. He couldn't breathe and he had to just sit down and catch himself. He cried and cried, his sleeves growing wet with tears. _

"_Severus I don't want to see you again."_

"Are you listening to me Severus?"

Lily's voice brought him back to what was happening presently. He could feel tears coming as that last line she had uttered that day still played in his mind over and over and over. It was as if she had just said it and the sound of her saying it was still fresh in his mind.

"Yes."

"And you have nothing to say?"

Pause.

"Sev?"

"I have something to say," he barely whispered, his voice almost inaudible in the quiet room.

"What is it Sev?"

Lily was confused. She wished she could read his mind like he could read hers but she wasn't good at Occlumency. She wished that he could have read her mind that day when she had told him she never wanted to see him again. If only he had done that he would have seen that she didn't mean it. What she truly meant was that she couldn't take being in love with him while James was still after her. She couldn't stand to hurt Severus' feelings by siding with James and what had happened that day between them, she never regretted. He was her first. There were so many times she had denied James that privilege and that day she had given it to Severus with all her heart. She wanted to tell him that she just needed time to break James off then she would give him a chance but he had turned away and walked away. He had left her hanging and she believed she deserved that reaction after what she had told him.

"I want to make something clear to you now, once and for all," he said, his voice getting cold now.

Lily had seldom heard him talk to her that way and she began to get cold sweat, her hands started to grow cold from within.

"What do you want to make clear Sev?" she asked, her voice sounding tiny and weak to her.

"Listen to me and listen to me clearly. And do not interrupt me until I am finished with what I have to say. All my life, even before the day you officially met me, I have loved you. I have always tried to show my feelings to you in my own ways: a flower to put in your hair, pushing you on the swing, reading to you, drinking WATER tea with you in your delicate cups and even going to your house and putting up with Petunia and her insults thrown at me, her remarks behind my back on how I smelt bad and was a 'street boy'!

You were the ONLY friend I had Lily, come to think of it, the ONLY girl that could tolerate me being around you. I was a small boy then, barely a teenager and I loved you since then, sitting with you on the train, even after Potter came along with Sirius and started to taunt me. Did you know that your luggage was forgotten that night on the carrier and as the boys were going that way, I noticed your bag with your name on it and took it to myself to take it up with the others?

I was the one who saved you from detention when you were wrongfully accused of stealing ingredients from Slughorn's storage. I turned myself in just so you could get off with it.

That day when James and Sirius taunted me at the tree and turned me upside down, humiliating me, you know what I had just heard someone say to me? I heard that you told one of your friends that the only reason you did hang out with me was because, and I quote 'you didn't want to break his little depressed, lonely and dark soul. You were kind enough to TOLERATE me.' You NO LISTEN TO ME!" he said as Lily tried to object to that, "listen.

You want to know what Sirius and James told me that day to get me down by the weeping willow tree? James told me that YOU wanted to see me because someone had used my curse against you, 'sectumsepra', and you needed me to work the counter curse on you because you were bleeding severely.

Poor me ran down there, my eyes filling up with tears to try to save you and what did I find? I found Lupin.

Now you know why I called you that word that day by the tree? Because I heard that you said that about me. I heard you saying it to James some time after that, one night when you two were getting intimate in a corner and I just happened to be passing along there. 'Oh James, I'd never love that Snivellus boy like that. He is too dirty and depressed for my liking. I'd rather shag a dog than kiss him.'

But did I confront you and harass you about it? Did I hold a grudge against you? You didn't even know what happened because I continued being your friend. Now comes the part I really want to make you hear for yourself so you can know what a hideous idiot Severus Snape is and is apparently to you. How did you and James happen to come to being together? Did you remember a note? I wrote notes to both of you making it sound like the other wanted to meet and just talk. Yes. I did that just for you because I wanted you to be happy. It was so obvious you loved James with all your heart and not me, or if you did you NEVER showed me it clearly. It was always James this and James that when I was around you. Oh James looks so good in his Quidditch gear, James has nice hands, James can be naughty but he is nice. How did you expect me to feel? I felt bruised, that's what. But I decided to make you happy and aren't you happy now? You are with the man of your dreams.

Now you come here angry as ever with news that you are pregnant. You came in here with anger showing on your face, obviously about to argue with me to tell me it's my fault and my fault alone that you are pregnant and yet, yet you will sit there unto this day and refuse to let your heart register it to you that maybe you never regretted it. Maybe you did love me and the only thing that kept you from not hurting me and telling me you regretted it was because I am this ugly, hideous, oh let's use Petunia's words, 'street boy'. Go on and say it Lily, because I have had enough of you putting me down."

Lily was uncontrollably sobbing, her hands shaking and her lips trembling as she listened to him finish. She couldn't stop. She couldn't stop crying because her body was heaving uncontrollably with sobs and she couldn't stop them.

"I, I...suh, sorry," she stammered, 'I'm sorry. Sev-verus, I'm sorry."

Her hands were cold. Her throat was dry and parched and Snape just sat there looking at her. All she could think was she just didn't know all that he had just told her happened. She didn't know.

"Lily."

His voice had become a bit shaky too and it sounded weird to her because she had never heard his voice like that at all. She guessed that today she had forced Severus to bring out a side of him that he had before, refused to show her.

"Severus."

"Lily."

He wanted to say her name over and over again because it felt good to say her name. Her name was so beautiful to him and she would never know that nor understand it. She would only understand if James told her that.

"Severus, I..." she couldn't stop stammering because she was finding it hard to breathe, "I didn't know!"

He allowed a bit of silence then said, "If you had known what would you have done?"

And Lily began to realise that she had never given it much thought ever.

"I would have given you a chance," she managed to say.

"GIVEN me a chance? Lily was I only that to you: a mere opportunity that you could take advantage of? I am so relieved to hear you say that."

"NO! I didn't mean it that way! I meant I would have loved you back. Sev I loved you too! I have always loved you but..."

"But what?" he said interrupting her.

"But your talks about being interested in the Dark Arts and people saying you wanted to become a death eater and you not doubting me about it when I asked you about it."

Snape finally took her hand and held it in his, keeping his eyes fixed on hers.

"Lily do you know why I fancied and still fancy the Dark Arts?"

"No," she whispered.

"Because I always believed I must learn to defend myself somehow from anything that may be hurtful to me. I grew up in a home where I was severely abused by my father every single day of my life. You knew that. You saw how he used to slap me and curse me. I grew up in fear, always cowering at him shouting at me. He fixed my mind into believing someone would always be out there to get me and back then I had no way of defending myself. Yes I could have used magic but I dared not because it would hurt my mother since she loved him. Deep down the longing of knowing more about defending myself, learning about the Dark Arts and people trying to defend themselves, that interested me. You can never change me from fancying the dark arts, no one can."

"But the death eater part..." Lily pressed on.

"Lily, if you didn't quite notice before, I had no friends and no one seemed to like me but you. And even you were abandoning me and saying things behind my back about me that I grew weary of people just taunting me and telling me that I sucked and I was a disgrace."

"And you did it for fame."

"I haven't done it as yet, but I swear Lily, if you marry James, I will do it. I promise I will."

"NO!" Lily cried and lunged for Snape, her hands trying to grab him and shake him.

"Yes I will. It's a choice for me. You wouldn't understand. It's either you or the Dark Lord."

"SEVERUS SNAPE! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT TO ME? HOW CAN YOU MAKE ME AN OPTION WITH THE DARK LORD?" she cried.

"Because if I don't get you then I wouldn't find any happiness living my life on the good side, especially the thought of you being with James, that would make me think darker than usual. Especially marrying him and you are having our baby, I will do it."

Snape had Lily's two hands in his. Tears were running down his cheek as he spoke to her and at first Lily thought that he was joking but the look in Severus' eyes were serious and he meant it. She clearly understood his deep feelings for her now, but to make such an option open, she couldn't believe he would do that to himself.

"Do you want the baby to grow up knowing his father is a death eater? It will kill me Severus if you become a death eater and I have your baby and you are not here to see him or be a true father to him."

"So you are willing to face James and tell him what happened then?" Snape asked.

"I..."

"Let me finish that line for you then Lily. You are NOT going to tell James about it. You are going to fight James to be with me and then deep down you will regret it for the rest of your life that I made your life a living hell because like I said before, you never owned up to what happened that day. Up to now you haven't told me that you were giving your heart to me too as I was giving it to you. Maybe the baby is and will be a regret to you so my advice is to go ahead with it if you want, it's your choice since you would rather I have nothing to say to it. I also would like to say that if this baby is going to constantly remind you of the horrible man called Snivellus, then it's either you tell James it's his or you give it up."

"Firstly let me say, that I didn't regret that day what I did. I didn't mean to tell you that I never wanted to see you again. If you only knew what was going on inside my head. I wanted to tell you that I wanted to be with you and I loved you but I couldn't because I needed time to think. I needed time to break up with James and come back to you, but when you walked away I was hurt too. I gived up and left you because I thought you regretted it too. And Severus I am not going to give up this baby. It is your choice too as to if it stays or goes and I'm sick and tired of you telling me what you think I WILL do. After hearing what you had to say tonight, the truth, I am willing to give you a chance if you allow it. I am willing to take you back if you want. I will never regret it.

Snape looked at Lily and for a brief moment he wanted to say _fine, let's keep it then and rekindle_ but he just couldn't say it.

"So what are you saying? You choose to be with me? You finally choose me over Potter? Lily I am not stupid. After all these years I know you too well to know that I will ALWAYS come second to Potter."

When she didn't reply because she obviously KNEW it was true, he continued, "Let's think about it. I believe you need time to think."

"Ok, I will."

And before she left him that night, before she bid him farewell, Lily kissed Snape. A long, deep kiss and for that moment she believed that she never felt so complete in her life. He was so romantic and warm to her and yet, yet Lily couldn't do it.

A week after they had spoken to each other, Lily called Snape crying.

"Severus. I have lost the baby," she cried, sobbing.

"What? How?" he exclaimed.

"I don't know. I went today to get a check up with mom. I told her you know. Petunia knows too. I told mom and she took me again to get a check up and when they took the test...Sev I lost it!"

Lily was crying uncontrollably.

"Come over. Come to me now. I need to see you," he said.

"I can't. I..."

"Lily. Come to me now. Or I will come get you. You can't go through this alone."

"I...I can't see you again Sev! Mom thinks different of you now. She said you got me pregnant and this and that. I have to stay indoors all day now. I can't go out because she said so," Lily cried.

"She thought I raped you didn't she?"

"Yes. Sev don't come I'll write to you."

"Lily, please..." Snape was crying and Lily felt as if her heart was shattering into pieces because she never heard him cry so.

"We can't see each other anymore. I'm sorry! I am soo sorry!" she cried

No reply.

"Sev?"

No reply still.

"SEV?"

"James always win."

And with that he disconnected from the phone and left Lily there.

It was about a year after that Lily married James. Yes, she and Snape had been sending owls back and forth but his replies were always short. It was obvious he had changed his feelings towards her. But the very day she got married to James, before she said 'I do', her eyes lingered to the back of the church and there was Severus. He was sitting there looking on, not staring, not with hatred in his eyes, but with acceptance and somehow forgiveness. Her heart stopped for a few seconds then and James might have thought that she would have said no but she whispered 'I do' and the entire church applauded, even Severus. He was there when they walked out of the church and as James went to hug Sirius and Lupin, she went over to him. They looked at each other for quite a while and then he hugged her, handing her an envelope. He hugged her tightly and inhaled her sweet perfume and the smell of her shampoo. He savoured the softness of her body. She would never forget feeling that complete feeling again and for once in her life she just wished that James would disappear and it would be Severus alone with her. Then he was letting go and her mother was pulling her into an embrace and when she looked back she could barely make out Snape's cloaked form as he made his way through the crowd and disappeared.

Later that day she finally read the note

_My dearest Lily,_

_Today I have decided to let it go. I have decided to once and for all let you go your way with James and give myself time to get over you. I doubt that will ever happen but I will try because it is the only way to make you truly happy. I'm sorry for having been a depressed, dark and lonely friend all these years but if you never noticed, I was never that depressed, dark and lonely boy when I was with you. Many of times I made attempts at writing you letters to express my true feelings for you but came to the conclusion that it is better to say it than write it. _

_That day when you made love to me was the most amazing time in my life and I will always remember it. I will always remember the taste of your lips and the smell of your perfume and shampoo. I will always reserve my entire heart to you. I do not think I will ever love another woman like I loved you because the love that I feel for you has lasted too long to be gotten over with._

_I wish you success and goodness in your marriage to James and I hope you have back that baby that you lost because I know you will be a good mother and James will be a good father. Just remember to send me pictures. Remember me._

_Just remember that I will always love you._

_P.S – I will most of all remember your beautiful, kind and caring green eyes._

_Your dearest friend,_

And that very week, Snape finally became a death eater.

(HEY I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE STORY! I DID PUT MY ALL INTO IT! I MIGHT DARE TO SAY THAT I ALWAYS WISHED HARRY WAS SNAPE'S CHILD BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE A STORY LIKE THAT BECAUSE THE RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN HIM AND JAMES IS TOO OBVIOUS. THANKS FOR READING AND SEND ME AS MUCH REVIEWS AS YOU WANT! OH AND TELL ME IF ANY OF YOU MANAGED TO SHED ANY TEARS AFTER READING IT. I KNOW I DID, AND I WROTE IT! LOLL)


End file.
